Here I am its Friday my final Friday as a teacher maybe forever. I am nearing the all too soon end of my time in Korea and here is what I am feeling.
I have thought so negatively of Korea that I have even worn myself out caring too much about it. I have felt a change in the last month however. A job is a job is a job and that is why people are slow to move on here. Everyone is tired of YBM. All of the Korean teachers hate the split shift, the gossip the backbiting that goes on in the office, the silly advertising schemes, the machines in the office breaking down, the dirty language that goes on around here and yet everyone just pretends to ignore it. Here is the biggest irony of all...
I got hired with a few conditions to my contract. When I made my return to YBM I was told that under no circumstances was I to complain about the poor work conditions, the schedule, invite gossip and banter. I was told to not mind Korean affairs and cover myself in all areas. This was to prevent HQ from gathering Intel on me and thus damaging my boss's rep.
I mustered through it. I haven't complained about the split shift for my entire 8 month time. I actively engaged in fixing things in the office. I made many relationships with all of the Korean teachers and was always careful about what I reported to others. I made sure (to the best of my ability) to keep my relationship with my students private. I not only never showed up late but I helped my colleagues as much as possible.
I like everyone else think that there is something much better than YBM and now I have no choice as I am set on making my return back to what is truly the land of the free. Yet, I feel miserable all of a sudden.
I didn't think much of anything in my future 1. job 2. home 3. children. etc. Now, I am confronted with being in a house where I have to feed the fire in the winter to keep it warm. I have to find some sort of transportation to get to the city center and I will be truly isolated from society as I have come to know it. i-pods, smart phones, and big departments are moving over to outlets, grocery stores, and mountains.
Nowadays, I am actually sad to leave my students. I enjoy talking to many of them and have learned quite a lot about myself through my students. Some of them are friends and people I want to meet again later.
So its the last Friday, I will teach 3 more hours and hopefully just go straight home. I don't feel like going out or partying to celebrate my success, or freedom.
I have been seeing a lot of subliminal messages lately. For example, I have seen the American Flag at Sajik baseball stadium or in some restaurants. I have seen signs that have said Go Home or something to that effect. Its like a surreal dream that I am becoming a shadow while I am still here. I have a deer in the headlights look and I don't know what to do. I don't feel grounded right now.
Everything around me is happening too fast. I can't say goodbye properly.
I have written home, talked about it and felt bad about being in Korea for way too long but now that I am getting ready to leave its the good things that standout. I regret a lot of my wasted energy my youth slipped out the door. These days I am so swamped at YBM simply due to a messy schedule that I can't do husband duties and therefore have neglected my wife.
My promising future for her has turned into a roller coaster where now I doubt my abilities to show her a good life in the states. Especially since the best job offer and only job offer to come my way is to sell some stupid insurance.
Oh how the mighty are falling. I came I saw and I am getting conquered. I won over the support of the students, got respect from my colleagues and bosses and now I am walking away from my work in a spell of shame.
I gave up on everything and I had it. I attained what I wanted I got my name back and I feel like I repaired the damage that was caused to my reputation. Now, I feel like something is eating me as I sit here decomposing. I have a fear that I gave up everything that I had including the friendships that will go away sadly when I leave. I feel like my time in Korea will just be a distant memory and I will fade away into the background. What do I have what should I have done differently?
I also feel embarrassed to show myself in my hometown and have everyone know my failures first hand. I have no idea what to do now as my life has taken on too many dimensions. I sit awaiting something new and pleasant to come my way.
on to the next day... till next time
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
daily trends
It's the monsoon season and everyone is continually reminding me of my pending departure. I have 6 teaching days left and a thousand goodbyes to say yet. It's harder than I thought to leave a place that I have called home for the past 4 years.
Truth be told I spent most of my time hating it here. I think that there wasn't enough understanding to make me feel comfortable enough to forget the fact that I am an American. I never grew up being a true red white and blue patriot. I didn't care so much that I voluntarily signed myself up to be an ex-pat for apparently 4 years. Life is life and hardships come and go but at my core are some personal values that couldn't mold into something they aren't. Values defined by culture, principles, family traditions and economic stability. Like it or not Korea has ripped me apart.
4 years ago I was a young naive country boy who just had completed my University life. I came looking for adventure and found a lively dense crowd in the mists of a concrete jungle filled with shopping sprees, discounts, 1+1 or buy 1 get 1 free and people who flat out have no common sense on how to treat you.
On the flip side i dealt with many wonderful Koreans who enriched my life in so many ways whether it was a casual dinner, lunch coffee or snack meeting or just some idle talk about work to pass the time. I feel sorry for many of the people I met. The find little to no joy in their life all because their values of family, work above self, and money are too ingrained in their heads.
Everyday, I listen to people mention how money is everything and how we need to save for our future more than anything. Parents are everything too we should try to give as much money etc to them since they have bent over backwards to give to us. While that may be true we are all 1 people and we all deserve to just do what we can for each other sometimes taking and sometimes giving. I have become brainwashed and my brain has become one big sponge with the Korean way of looking at life. I don't recognize myself in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I actually don't have time to look in the mirror anyways other than a quick glance as I pass the exit sign of my building. maybe i am weird but I dont have a mirror fetish like the woman on the subway do when i see them preening themselves with mascara and eyelid tweezers without a care about where they are. AMERICANS don't do that to my knowledge.
Okay so anyways here I am now in my final week so to speak, I work the entire shift from 6am-8or 10pm teaching 5 classes and waiting biding some time. I go to McD's or Dunkin for breakfast usually alone. I eat lunch with a student or a teacher sometimes my wife. I drink too much coffee. Nowadays, I am watching Game of Thrones a wonderful TV show that I can't wait to watch season 2 here in July and read my national geographic. I dream of my new future hopefully far from the outskirts of Kalispell. A home that I no longer recognize.
Maybe I will be there in T-30 days.
L.A. here I come in 21 days.
yikes.
Truth be told I spent most of my time hating it here. I think that there wasn't enough understanding to make me feel comfortable enough to forget the fact that I am an American. I never grew up being a true red white and blue patriot. I didn't care so much that I voluntarily signed myself up to be an ex-pat for apparently 4 years. Life is life and hardships come and go but at my core are some personal values that couldn't mold into something they aren't. Values defined by culture, principles, family traditions and economic stability. Like it or not Korea has ripped me apart.
4 years ago I was a young naive country boy who just had completed my University life. I came looking for adventure and found a lively dense crowd in the mists of a concrete jungle filled with shopping sprees, discounts, 1+1 or buy 1 get 1 free and people who flat out have no common sense on how to treat you.
On the flip side i dealt with many wonderful Koreans who enriched my life in so many ways whether it was a casual dinner, lunch coffee or snack meeting or just some idle talk about work to pass the time. I feel sorry for many of the people I met. The find little to no joy in their life all because their values of family, work above self, and money are too ingrained in their heads.
Everyday, I listen to people mention how money is everything and how we need to save for our future more than anything. Parents are everything too we should try to give as much money etc to them since they have bent over backwards to give to us. While that may be true we are all 1 people and we all deserve to just do what we can for each other sometimes taking and sometimes giving. I have become brainwashed and my brain has become one big sponge with the Korean way of looking at life. I don't recognize myself in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I actually don't have time to look in the mirror anyways other than a quick glance as I pass the exit sign of my building. maybe i am weird but I dont have a mirror fetish like the woman on the subway do when i see them preening themselves with mascara and eyelid tweezers without a care about where they are. AMERICANS don't do that to my knowledge.
Okay so anyways here I am now in my final week so to speak, I work the entire shift from 6am-8or 10pm teaching 5 classes and waiting biding some time. I go to McD's or Dunkin for breakfast usually alone. I eat lunch with a student or a teacher sometimes my wife. I drink too much coffee. Nowadays, I am watching Game of Thrones a wonderful TV show that I can't wait to watch season 2 here in July and read my national geographic. I dream of my new future hopefully far from the outskirts of Kalispell. A home that I no longer recognize.
Maybe I will be there in T-30 days.
L.A. here I come in 21 days.
yikes.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A breath of new life
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to write much these past few weeks.
I am slowly wrapping up my YBM tenure and it looks like I will be retiring to the States in 21 days. I have mixed feelings about this now. All this time I have spent hating Korea for which it stands for a ignorant, giant abyss that has no real future with me. I came here 4 years ago seeking glory, money, a new start and a chance to clear the air with happenings at home.
Now, I am about to return home a land that is more foreign to me than when I left it. I have been out of the loop with everyone from Aunts to Acquaintances and everyone in between. My blog posts have been predominately negative.
I have spent too much time focusing on the negatives that I have often forgot the positive things in Korea.
Here are a few...
I went to a couple baseball games with my wife. Lotte (Busan team) won both times including a 17-4 trouncing over some team in Seoul. I am happy to have had that experience. Going to a baseball game back home will probably be more exciting since its our national pastime but at least I can think back to the times at Sajik and be happy that after being here almost 4 years I finally got there even though I fell and ended up scarring up my leg. It bled for 2 days.
Hanging out with my co-workers has been an honor. I work with a great team. Dell who hasn't talked to me in a long time but gave me my old job back is my boss and his act will never be forgotten. Arthur who is my supervisor has helped me throughout my 3 years in Busan and three new guys Steve, Pablo, and Justin.
Steve, Pablo, Justin, and I have been going out clubbing the past 2 weeks. I am happy to get some cultural experience from them and can rely on them to help me with my personal problems and finally can trust them outside of work. I don't think I could have enjoyed Korea or YBM as much without them.
Finally, there are my students. My students have enriched my life with their funny stories, their teachings of Korea, they laugh at my wittiness and enjoy my caring and funny nature.
I have loosened up since coming back to YBM last November.
With only 8 more teaching days to go I can be thankful that I can leave Korea on a high note rather than a get me the fuck out of here that I have felt for the most part of my time here.
Writing has been a passion of mine for a long time but since its been too hard for me to say anything positive I have chosen not to write for quite a long time. I hope that I can rectify that.
more to follow
I am slowly wrapping up my YBM tenure and it looks like I will be retiring to the States in 21 days. I have mixed feelings about this now. All this time I have spent hating Korea for which it stands for a ignorant, giant abyss that has no real future with me. I came here 4 years ago seeking glory, money, a new start and a chance to clear the air with happenings at home.
Now, I am about to return home a land that is more foreign to me than when I left it. I have been out of the loop with everyone from Aunts to Acquaintances and everyone in between. My blog posts have been predominately negative.
I have spent too much time focusing on the negatives that I have often forgot the positive things in Korea.
Here are a few...
I went to a couple baseball games with my wife. Lotte (Busan team) won both times including a 17-4 trouncing over some team in Seoul. I am happy to have had that experience. Going to a baseball game back home will probably be more exciting since its our national pastime but at least I can think back to the times at Sajik and be happy that after being here almost 4 years I finally got there even though I fell and ended up scarring up my leg. It bled for 2 days.
Hanging out with my co-workers has been an honor. I work with a great team. Dell who hasn't talked to me in a long time but gave me my old job back is my boss and his act will never be forgotten. Arthur who is my supervisor has helped me throughout my 3 years in Busan and three new guys Steve, Pablo, and Justin.
Steve, Pablo, Justin, and I have been going out clubbing the past 2 weeks. I am happy to get some cultural experience from them and can rely on them to help me with my personal problems and finally can trust them outside of work. I don't think I could have enjoyed Korea or YBM as much without them.
Finally, there are my students. My students have enriched my life with their funny stories, their teachings of Korea, they laugh at my wittiness and enjoy my caring and funny nature.
I have loosened up since coming back to YBM last November.
With only 8 more teaching days to go I can be thankful that I can leave Korea on a high note rather than a get me the fuck out of here that I have felt for the most part of my time here.
Writing has been a passion of mine for a long time but since its been too hard for me to say anything positive I have chosen not to write for quite a long time. I hope that I can rectify that.
more to follow
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