Here I am its Friday my final Friday as a teacher maybe forever. I am nearing the all too soon end of my time in Korea and here is what I am feeling.
I have thought so negatively of Korea that I have even worn myself out caring too much about it. I have felt a change in the last month however. A job is a job is a job and that is why people are slow to move on here. Everyone is tired of YBM. All of the Korean teachers hate the split shift, the gossip the backbiting that goes on in the office, the silly advertising schemes, the machines in the office breaking down, the dirty language that goes on around here and yet everyone just pretends to ignore it. Here is the biggest irony of all...
I got hired with a few conditions to my contract. When I made my return to YBM I was told that under no circumstances was I to complain about the poor work conditions, the schedule, invite gossip and banter. I was told to not mind Korean affairs and cover myself in all areas. This was to prevent HQ from gathering Intel on me and thus damaging my boss's rep.
I mustered through it. I haven't complained about the split shift for my entire 8 month time. I actively engaged in fixing things in the office. I made many relationships with all of the Korean teachers and was always careful about what I reported to others. I made sure (to the best of my ability) to keep my relationship with my students private. I not only never showed up late but I helped my colleagues as much as possible.
I like everyone else think that there is something much better than YBM and now I have no choice as I am set on making my return back to what is truly the land of the free. Yet, I feel miserable all of a sudden.
I didn't think much of anything in my future 1. job 2. home 3. children. etc. Now, I am confronted with being in a house where I have to feed the fire in the winter to keep it warm. I have to find some sort of transportation to get to the city center and I will be truly isolated from society as I have come to know it. i-pods, smart phones, and big departments are moving over to outlets, grocery stores, and mountains.
Nowadays, I am actually sad to leave my students. I enjoy talking to many of them and have learned quite a lot about myself through my students. Some of them are friends and people I want to meet again later.
So its the last Friday, I will teach 3 more hours and hopefully just go straight home. I don't feel like going out or partying to celebrate my success, or freedom.
I have been seeing a lot of subliminal messages lately. For example, I have seen the American Flag at Sajik baseball stadium or in some restaurants. I have seen signs that have said Go Home or something to that effect. Its like a surreal dream that I am becoming a shadow while I am still here. I have a deer in the headlights look and I don't know what to do. I don't feel grounded right now.
Everything around me is happening too fast. I can't say goodbye properly.
I have written home, talked about it and felt bad about being in Korea for way too long but now that I am getting ready to leave its the good things that standout. I regret a lot of my wasted energy my youth slipped out the door. These days I am so swamped at YBM simply due to a messy schedule that I can't do husband duties and therefore have neglected my wife.
My promising future for her has turned into a roller coaster where now I doubt my abilities to show her a good life in the states. Especially since the best job offer and only job offer to come my way is to sell some stupid insurance.
Oh how the mighty are falling. I came I saw and I am getting conquered. I won over the support of the students, got respect from my colleagues and bosses and now I am walking away from my work in a spell of shame.
I gave up on everything and I had it. I attained what I wanted I got my name back and I feel like I repaired the damage that was caused to my reputation. Now, I feel like something is eating me as I sit here decomposing. I have a fear that I gave up everything that I had including the friendships that will go away sadly when I leave. I feel like my time in Korea will just be a distant memory and I will fade away into the background. What do I have what should I have done differently?
I also feel embarrassed to show myself in my hometown and have everyone know my failures first hand. I have no idea what to do now as my life has taken on too many dimensions. I sit awaiting something new and pleasant to come my way.
on to the next day... till next time
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